Why Is It So Hard to Make Friends Today? (And What You Can Do About It)

Despite unprecedented access to others through technology, many adults today are struggling with loneliness and a profound lack of social connection. This isn’t just anecdotal—it’s a public health issue. The U.S. Surgeon General recently declared loneliness an “epidemic,” noting its impact on both physical and psychological health. So, why is forming close friendships in adulthood so difficult? And what can we do to change that?

As a licensed creative arts therapist, I often work with clients who carry the quiet grief of disconnection. In this blog, we’ll explore the psychological, cultural, and neurobiological reasons why friendship can feel so elusive—and the small, intentional steps that can make meaningful connection more possible.

The Hidden Crisis: Loneliness and Friendship Decline

The numbers are sobering. A 2021 survey by the Survey Center on American Life found that 49% of Americans report having fewer than three close friends, and 12% report having none. Compare that to 1990, when only 3% reported having no close friends.

This erosion of friendship is not just about changing lifestyles—it’s about changing infrastructures. As sociologist Robert Putnam argues in his landmark book Bowling Alone, institutions that once anchored social life (religious groups, civic clubs, neighborhoods) have weakened, leaving fewer natural spaces to form and sustain relationships.

We are witnessing what some researchers call a decline in social capital—the trust, reciprocity, and community networks that promote mutual support and belonging.

What’s Really Getting in the Way?

1. We’re Time-Poor and Emotionally Spent

Modern adulthood often means juggling careers, caregiving, financial pressures, and managing digital overload. Friendships, unlike family or romantic partnerships, are often deprioritized in adulthood because they’re viewed as optional rather than essential.

But neuroscience disagrees. Social connection is a biological imperative. Studies show that consistent, reciprocal relationships activate the brain’s reward centers and reduce stress hormones like cortisol (Eisenberger & Lieberman, 2004). In fact, chronic loneliness is linked to increased inflammation, cardiovascular disease, and earlier mortality (Holt-Lunstad et al., 2015).

2. Digital Connection Isn’t Enough

Social media creates the illusion of closeness while often failing to deliver emotional depth. We scroll through curated lives and mistake visibility for intimacy. Psychologists call this parasocial interaction—a one-sided bond that feels real but lacks mutuality (Derrick, Gabriel, & Hugenberg, 2009).

A review by Nowland, Necka, & Cacioppo (2018) confirmed that excessive online interaction can intensify loneliness, especially when it displaces in-person connection (Current Directions in Psychological Science).

3. We Fear Vulnerability—and Rejection

To build friendships, we must be emotionally available and willing to take social risks. But many adults carry relational wounds: past betrayals, social exclusion, or attachment disruptions that shape how safe it feels to reach out.

According to attachment theory, early relationships form internal working models that shape how we approach intimacy in adulthood. Those with anxious or avoidant attachment styles may struggle with trust, emotional expression, or fear of abandonment—factors that can hinder friendship formation (Fraley & Shaver, 2000).

Clinically Informed Strategies for Making (and Keeping) Friends

1. Reframe Friendship as an Ongoing Practice

Friendship isn’t a trait—it’s a series of choices. Sociologist Emily Langan describes it as a “public-private relationship” requiring continuity, responsiveness, and mutual investment (Langan, 2009). Like any meaningful practice, friendship flourishes with intentional care and patience.

Clinical Insight: In therapy, I often encourage clients to identify their “friendship values”—consistency, humor, reciprocity, honesty—and treat friendships as relationships that also deserve repair, boundaries, and attention.

2. Lean Into Behavioral Activation

Even when you're not feeling social, say “yes” to opportunities that align with your values. Behavioral activation, a core strategy in treating depression, involves increasing engagement with meaningful activities to improve mood and motivation (Martell et al., 2010).

Try:

• Attending a local community gathering

• Joining a recurring workshop or group

• Texting a friend even when you feel self-conscious

3. Start Small—but Be Consistent

Deep friendships aren’t built in a day. Research by psychologist Jeffrey Hall found it takes about 50 hours to move from acquaintance to casual friend, and around 200 hours to become close (Hall, 2019). Repeated exposure and shared experiences build trust.

Consider creating regular rituals of contact: a monthly walk, a Tuesday phone call, or a standing invite to check in.

4. Practice “Safe Disclosure”

Intimacy grows through mutual vulnerability, but not all disclosures are equal. The key is to share in layers. According to Collins & Miller (1994), appropriate self-disclosure increases likability, particularly when it’s matched by the listener (Journal of Personality and Social Psychology).

Try:

• “It’s been a hard week, honestly—how are you holding up?”

• “I’ve been thinking about how much I miss deeper conversations.”

These statements invite connection without demanding it.

5. Seek Designed Intimacy Spaces

Some environments naturally foster connection. These are often intentional communities—mutual aid groups, group therapy, interest-based clubs, or cultural collectives. Repeated interactions in safe spaces promote what McMillan & Chavis (1986) call a “psychological sense of community”—defined by membership, shared emotional connection, and fulfillment of needs (Journal of Community Psychology).

Friendship as a Radical, Regenerative Act

In a hyper-individualistic world that often prizes productivity over presence, investing in friendship is quietly revolutionary. As clinicians, we know that healing often begins in relationship—not just in the therapy room, but through the networks of care we build outside of it.

Friendship isn’t a luxury. It is a protective factor against depression, anxiety, burnout, and even physical illness. And the good news is, it’s never too late to begin again.

Take the risk. Text the person. Make the plan. Open the door just a little. Something beautiful—and necessary—might be waiting on the other side.

References

• Collins, N. L., & Miller, L. C. (1994). Self-disclosure and liking: A meta-analytic review. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 66(6), 971–983.

• Derrick, J. L., Gabriel, S., & Hugenberg, K. (2009). Social surrogacy: How favored television programs provide the experience of belonging. Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin, 35(2), 227–237.

• Eisenberger, N. I., & Lieberman, M. D. (2004). Why it hurts to be left out. Nature Neuroscience, 7(7), 742–744.

• Fraley, R. C., & Shaver, P. R. (2000). Adult romantic attachment. Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, 78(2), 350–365.

• Hall, J. A. (2019). How many hours does it take to make a friend?. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 36(4), 1278–1296.

• Holt-Lunstad, J., Smith, T. B., & Layton, J. B. (2015). Loneliness and social isolation as risk factors for mortality. PLOS Medicine, 7(7), e1000316.

• Langan, E. (2009). The reciprocal nature of friendship. Journal of Social and Personal Relationships, 26(4), 473–493.

• Martell, C. R., Dimidjian, S., & Herman-Dunn, R. (2010). Behavioral Activation for Depression: A Clinician’s Guide. APA Press.

• McMillan, D. W., & Chavis, D. M. (1986). Sense of community. Journal of Community Psychology, 14(1), 6–23.

• Nowland, R., Necka, E. A., & Cacioppo, J. T. (2018). Loneliness and social internet use. Current Directions in Psychological Science, 27(1), 58–63.

• Putnam, R. D. (2000). Bowling Alone: The Collapse and Revival of American Community. Simon & Schuster.